If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.