would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!