*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.