Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
You Might Also Like
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever