If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i baked you a cake
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
🐕🍷
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*