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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Battery falling down a hole
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks