Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
You Might Also Like
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”