the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one