Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I unironically love this joke.