I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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