Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder