Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
No chill.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing