Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you