I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh