‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
You Might Also Like
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.