My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.