Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile