discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.