MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales