Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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Who knew!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The Friday File.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
A short story about romance.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.