Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Good morning, Twitter x
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
finally found a reasonable question
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.