You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Lmao 🤣
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.