Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture