Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.