when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
is this a threat
Always the camel, never the toe.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”