Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you