[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]