Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele