On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?