This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Nice try, poison.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.