did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Called it
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.