Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude