My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
🖤✌🏽
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅