Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
how long have you had this for?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.