gentlemen, hear me out
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
50 shades of grey = my Liver
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.