You Might Also Like
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope