Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
TODAY
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old