The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
You Might Also Like
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.