DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I will never stop laughing at this
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Geez man, take it easy.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”