if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
You Might Also Like
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Growing up was a huge mistake
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.