1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?