If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!