*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
guilty
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*