ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*