DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Venn
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students: