She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.