Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*