Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?