[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.