[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I know this now 😂
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right